96. Five-Dollar Pizza

Champlin, Minnesota

It’s uncommon when a company so unabashedly exposes their corporate strategy for all the world to poke, puncture and dissect, but deceit of any kind is seemingly the abhorrence of $5 Pizza. No, this place pretty much screams out—by using their name alone—their product, marketing plan, and customer base with such an elegant succinctness. This off-brand midwest-based chain of a dozen restaurants has even spawned an upscale competitor, $6 Pizza, although I’m certain the similarities probably end with nomenclature. You know what else is uncommon? When you bring home several varieties of pizzas to feed a large crowd, and you overshoot by more than one pizza. Here’s the typical timestamp of party pizza: 1) the initial feasting frenzy; 2) everyone going in for seconds, with the guys possibly trying thirds; 3) the less discerning party-goers picking away like Sicilian ravens with their carrion for the duration; and 4) the host boxing up the remaining slice or two. This scientifically-tested formula pretty much goes out the window with $5 Pizza—it’s only phase 1, and maybe a hint of phases 2-3 lumped together. And definitely no keeping the leftovers.

It’s is a proven method for a fast and efficient way to feed an oversized group on the cheap, and there’s always times when speed and economy are the primary forces.

But alas, method pizza is not true love. Sidenote: since the original post in 2020, Five-Dollar Pizza has been absorbed by The 5-8 Club, renowned for their claim as the inventor/perfector of the Jucy Lucy burger—a beloved Twin Cities icon of lowbrow cuisine.